Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Miscarriage- My Story

This is a subject I’ve always known I should and would write about eventually. I wanted to share my miscarriage story. As it’s Babyloss Awareness Week this week, it seemed like the right time to do my part to raise awareness; to let you know, if you’ve been through this, or are going through it, that you’re not alone. Miscarriage can feel like a very isolating and lonely time but hopefully if more people speak out then others will feel the strength of the community of people willing to talk and to help.  

I became pregnant in 2012. It hadn’t been the easiest road as I suffer from PCOS and so after a few rounds of Clomid (a medicine to induce ovulation) I finally saw those two lines. It was a wonderful feeling and I completely immersed myself in pregnancy and impending motherhood. I bought the magazines, I subscribed to online parenting clubs, I read (and reread) pregnancy books! I also told a fair few people earlier than the traditional 12-week marker and this is something I don’t regret as these were the people that helped me later on. It was a happy time but one day I spotted a tiny (and I mean tiny) bit of blood. Now before I go on, I want people to know that if you see blood, this doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong- get it checked- but certainly don’t panic. I did panic however and I was called in for a scan. And there was my teeny tiny baby with a tiny flickering heart. That image will be forever imprinted in my mind. I was ecstatic. My baby was ok! I was sent away and so I carried on enjoying the thought of the little person growing inside me day by day. But then at 11 and a half weeks there was more blood, only a bit more this time. Again, I panicked and again, I was referred for a scan. Only this time, instead of pointing out my little baby’s heart, there was just stillness. And quietness. I’ve heard a lot of people mention the quietness of the room prior to being told their pregnancy has ended and it’s true. And in that time, you desperately cling on to every single hope, you pray that this is one of the times they’ve made a mistake. But there was no mistake and eventually the words did come;

“I’m so sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat”.

I remember feeling utterly, utterly robbed in the days that followed. Which perhaps seems egotistical, I’m not owed anything of course, there are no guarantees in life but that was MY baby. That was MY time. With the loss of the pregnancy, came the loss of the future I'd envisioned in my head: the first steps, first birthday, holidays by the sea, school days etc. I’d not felt a sadness like it before.

Afterwards, I did talk about my miscarriage with anyone that would listen and I’d wondered since if perhaps I’d overshared but that was my way of saying ‘my baby was here, they existed, you need to hear about her’. I felt like I wanted to shout that from the rooftops. In the years following the miscarriage, that’s the thing that gets me every time; the thought that people don’t know that they existed. For a very small time they were here and in that time, that little soul made a massive impact on me.   

I’m not going to detail my experiences of the physical process of it all but if anyone does want to talk regarding this then I will be happy to share my experience with them.

Of course, I did later go on to fall pregnant again and in March 2013 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. 2 years and 9 months after this, I was again blessed with another beautiful boy. I think daily about the baby I never met but now the experience is very bitter sweet. Without that loss, my biggest boy would never have had a chance to exist as I would have still been pregnant at the time he was conceived. It’s hard to wrap my head around but it is what it is.

Day by day, week by week, more and more women approached me to quietly whisper that they too, had previously had a miscarriage. It soon became very clear that as a society, we don’t talk about it. But we should. Because the people that said, ‘hey, I’ve been through this, I’m still here, I got by and I’m OK’ well, they made me realise that I could be OK too.  And in time I was. And, if this is you, then you will be too.


For more help and support visit The Miscarriage Association
To learn more about depression visit DepressionAlliance.org
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26 comments

  1. You are so brave, I can't imagine the grief of losing a baby. Well done for writing this post and raising awareness about miscarriage. I'm sure your words will provide great comfort to mothers who have been through the same ordeal. Big hugs xxx

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  2. You're very brave to share such an emotional and heartbreaking story. So sorry about your loss. It must have been so devastating to lose that heartbeat. X #honeybeelinky

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    1. Thank you for your kind words x x

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    2. Thanks for sharing your story - I had a miscarriage a few months ago and still haven't been brave enough to write about it yet. #dreamteam

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    3. I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you much love. Look after yourself sweetheart x x

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  3. This is so moving and heartbreaking to read. I can only imagine how devastating that silence and that news must have been for you and I absolutely admire your strength in sharing your story with a view to reaching out to support other families. Much love to you. Thank you for sharing this with us at #DreamTeam x

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  4. This completely moved me to tears. I think you are so very brave to speak out about your experience, which will help many in their own times of grief not knowing where to turn. I can't possibly imagine how painful this would have been, and I am full of admiration for you sharing this now. Sending hugs. Thank you for sharing with the #DreamTeam xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, it really does mean a lot x x

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  5. Thank you for sharing. I simply cannot imagine, I hope your words find their way to those who need them. #coolmumclub

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  6. I think it's so amazing that you were so open about your miscarriage because for most mums, it's something that is swept under the carpet. Thanks so much for sharing your story with #coolmumclub lovely xoxo

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  7. A moving post, it is something that isn't spoken about enough. I still haven't really spoken about mine, I have to a few friends but not many people. I certainly haven't put pen to paper, I start but then I stop. It is hard as I don't want people to think I have forgotten because that is definitely not the case. #HoneybeeLinky

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    1. I'm so sorry you've experienced this too. Give it time and one day you may feel ready to talk but if not then that's ok too. Make sure you take time to help yourself heal. Sending lots of love xx

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  8. Well done for sharing such a beautiful, personal post. It's never easy writing these, but I'm sure it will help so many people and its great to be able to raise awareness. Thank you for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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  9. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so important for us to talk about miscarriage, even though it can be so hard. It's so sad that it happens to so many people, but if people knew how common it was I think they would feel better about opening up. I completely understand the bittersweetness of getting pregnant again and knowing that that baby wouldn't exist had the other baby lived. I went through the same thing, and it's so difficult to put into words why it's so hard to get your head around. Thanks for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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    1. Thank you Katy, I'm so sorry you had a loss too. Sending lots of love x x

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  10. Such a lovely post. We lost our first at 14 weeks away on holiday, and our children know there was one before them...It was our only natural pregnancy too (clomid was used for our other two). It shouldn't be hushed, we are too good at brushing things under the carpet and not talking openly xxx

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    1. Oh Sonia, I'm so sorry to read this. Sending you lots of love. x x

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  11. The simplicity and honesty of this post really speaks to my heart. I have never experienced this so I know I can never begin to imagine the pain and heartache it must cause. But thank you for speaking out and adding your voice and your experience - I hope it will help me to comfort my friends if they ever face it #sharingthebloglove

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  12. I'm sorry to read of your loss. I recall spotting with my second and the worry I went through. I think you are right this should not be a taboo subject and the stiff upper lip mentality should be dropped so people feel less alone going through this. #SharingtheBlogLove

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